‘For me, the war means…’

This is fear, feeling fear for everything: for yourself, for your loved ones, for people around you, fear that lives with you day and night, panic-driven fear.

When did the war in Donbass begin for you?

It began gradually, I believe. First, people with machine guns appeared, and there were more military people in the streets. I heard an explosion. I saw how a projectile was flying. I realized that we were in the epicentre and that we could not go anywhere. The war began when explosions began.

Did you happen to see any military actions with your own eyes?

I saw people with weapons, shell fragments, and destroyed houses. I did not see killed people. I saw some pictures, of course. You go out in the evening and everything is fine, but you can see the pits and craters from the shells. Traces of machine gun fire on the walls, and devastation.

What did you talk about with your family and neighbours during active hostilities?

It was a very difficult time when you talk to a person, but you do not know which side he or she is on. So, you talk carefully trying to understand what topics to talk about. Therefore, of course, this was a discussion of security issues.

What to do in order not to die if a shell hits or how to live further on. What to eat, because our supplies and money were running out gradually, and we needed to think about what to do next.

What do you remember the most from the experience you went through during the war?

How a projectile flies. At first it was on the outskirts. I was told that something exploded in someone’s vegetable garden and someone was injured. And then, when I once was closing the balcony, I heard a whistle and then an explosion. I began to worry that everything was already near us. I thought I was quite stable, but then I experienced a wild hysteria. At that moment I realized that I was not safe.

What was the most important event of that war for you?

I think I realized that I am not just a person, but I am responsible for my relatives, that my every move, every deed of mine can affect my loved ones. When I met a military man, I could not behave driven by emotions because this would affect my loved ones. You had to know what to say.

I realized that I had become much more mature, had gained a deeper sense of responsibility. Before that, I felt like a child in a family where I had mum and dad. And then I realized that they also rely on me, rely on the fact that I am an adult, a grown-up person.

We tend to erase some unpleasant events from our memory. From the beginning of the armed conflict in Donbass, what event would you like to forget (or cannot forget)?

Forget? Perhaps, nothing should be forgotten. Because when you forget, you get relaxed. And when you remember, you are ready for any situation. It was scary and unsafe, but it gave me strength later in life. Because if I was able to survive even in this situation, at such times, then I can survive in any other situation. I am able not to be afraid and fight hardships further.

Did you relocate because of the war? Where to? How was your relocation happening?

I moved in 2015, after the New Year. We discussed this topic for a very long time. There was an opportunity to leave in the summer of 2014, but my parents did not want to. My mum had health problems and she thought that everything would be over soon. However, in 2015, when the truce ended, I realized that I didn’t want to be there and decided to leave. First, I went to Zhytomyr region, my relatives helped me. Then to Vinnytsia where I then worked for some time. And then I moved to Kyiv.

Do you plan to return home when the war is over?

I don’t plan to live there permanently; I would not want to. And when the war is over, I would go and visit my relatives there. Then there will be no fear when crossing the border, because now I feel some strain or stress. But I would not want to live there.  

Tell us please how the war affected your everyday life.

There is probably no such influence now. Only the contact with relatives was lost. And you don’t know what to say on the phone. The relocation was quite long. At first, it was difficult to find a job without registering as an IDP [internally displaced person]. One of the problems was financial because you have no earnings, no job, no housing. The remaining money needs to be divided to be used sparingly during some time. You are used to your home where you have everything, where everything is at hand. You need to get used to living in another city, to been on your own, self-supporting.

Do you feel safe now?

Yes, I know I’m safe. But I am worried about people who stayed in Luhansk. Some anxiety still remains. You do not know what will happen tomorrow, and whether this tomorrow will be or not.

What do you dream about?

My dreams and plans have changed. I used to dream about traveling, about some faraway countries. Perhaps about moving somewhere there once. I knew that I always have a back land where I can return. But in 2016-2017, I began to think about the fact that I need housing. Wherever you go, you want to return, at least for a day or two, to your nest. Rented housing does not give you such sense of comfort and safety.

What is happiness for you?

Lately, people have often asked me if I’m happy.

I should be happy now because I am safe, I have a job, the opportunity to buy something, and everything is fine. However, something is missing, there is some sort of inner anxiety. For this anxiety to go away, I need to be sure about the safety of my family, so that we could get together.

What has become the most valuable and most important for you in recent years?

Support from my friends. I realized that I am not alone in this world. Although it could seem that I myself can travel and work, but it is important to be supported by your loved ones. I know I can call and they will support me. And they similarly hope for me and my support. And trust is also important, people you can trust.

Has your attitude towards life changed because of the war?

I am responsible for everything myself now, I am the mistress of my destiny, I provide for myself. Somebody could prompt or advise me something, but I myself am responsible for my actions, words, and deeds. Previously, I could rely on my parents. But this is always so when you grow up, not only as a result of the war.

What did you learn while overcoming all the difficulties that you told us about?

You probably start to value what you have. Value peace that can be taken from you. What you used to perceive as commonplace is now valuable to you. And it turns out to be very important what country you live in. When I made my choice, it turned out to be a priority for me to live in Ukraine.

In your opinion, what organization or individuals helped civilians the most during the conflict?

I know about the Rinat Akhmetov Foundation.