‘For me, the war means...’

I can say a lot of things to complete this sentence, but the most vivid one is ‘a war means death.’

When did the war in Donbass begin for you?

I’ve had several such moments. The first one is the situation in the Crimea. I realized then that something very significant was coming, and this would not remain as it used to be.

The second moment that shook me to my core was the following. Every day I used to walk to a spring. There was a beautiful spring near my village. My daughter and I went there with our dog. We got down in a picturesque gully and found ourselves not alone there. There were armed people there in military uniforms. I do not know what unit it was, but for me, it seemed like a breach of my private space. Then I realised it was the war.

And the third moment was when big shells were fired over our house. And that was when I realised that I had to pack things.

I do not remember what day it was, but it was in June 2014, the month when my daughter has her birthday. I sent her away to protect her from seeing all that.

Did you happen to see military actions with your own eyes?

I didn’t see active hostilities, but I saw tanks driving along the ring road. My house was shaking. 

I saw a light tank moving along Universytetska Street.It was such a contrast: the university, with people standing at the bus stop, and the tank towing a gun.

I saw shells flaring red in the dark with loud explosions when my dog was hiding under the table. She ran into the house, even though she did not like to stay indoors, and hid under the table where she was sitting and looking at me.

I probably had left before large-scale actions began. Even though I lived far from the airport, I heard the explosions, but I did not see military operations closely.

What did you talk about with your family and neighbours during active hostilities?

I remember that period until August when I was constantly watching the news and following the map of developments. This was the only thing we talked about. We left home in the middle of July and continued to watch the news and discuss how the situation would end. It was surreal; the situation seemed unreal, as if it was happening not with us. I still have this feeling. I read the newspapers from the time of Donbass occupation by the Nazis, about some cultural events held then, etc. I had a feeling that I found myself somewhere in that time.

What do you remember the most from the experience you went through during the war?

When we were going from Donetsk to Yasynuvata we were stopped at some intermediate checkpoint, recently made one. We were coming back, happy to be going home. We were travelling together with one woman. My husband, myself, that woman and a taxi driver were in the car. The driver had just returned to Donetsk, and we did not know either that they had installed a checkpoint there. We passed it, and someone shouted at him.

We were lucky that the driver stopped as we saw a man with a machine gun behind us. My hair stood on end as I realized if the taxi driver had not stopped that man would probably have fired at us. This has changed my view of life. I realised nothing is guaranteed in life. And that we certainly had to leave.

We tend to erase unpleasant events from our memory. What event from the beginning of the armed conflict in Donbass would you like to forget about (or cannot forget)?

I would like to forget one talk with my close friend. I would not go into every detail, but it was about the justification of some violence in order to secure some order. I cannot accept it; it was a complete shock for me. I had never thought that that person could say such things. This is what I’d like to forget.

Did you relocate because of the war?

We moved to Brovary, near Kyiv. When it became clear that the situation continued to be unstable, after yet another trip home, we decided to start a new life. It happened in September 2014, somewhere in the second half of the month.

I even had a return ticket home. I should have returned to take part in a meeting of our faculty. My husband was teasing: ‘Why you need this ticket, you won’t be going there.’ And I replied: ‘No way I would miss a faculty meeting.’ But I returned the ticket later, of course.

I knew I would be going into nowhere, without any job. My husband’s situation was better. He worked for a company in Donetsk, but their headquarters were in Kyiv. He hoped to get a job there, which indeed happened.

Do you plan to come back home when the war is over?

I do not plan to come back there. Probably, I’ll go just to pay a visit. It will be very hard emotionally; I will not be able to communicate with some people who stayed there. It is very hard morally. On the one hand, I feel really sorry for people who had to stay there; yet, on the other hand, there are people there I simply do not want to see.

How has the war changed your life?

I no longer think that something could be forever. I have realised that there is nothing more permanent than something temporary, and there is nothing more temporary than something permanent. I have realised that it is up to me: if I am to hear bomb explosions, it is for me to decide what to do; if I am not willing to do it, I won’t. I have become freer to make decisions; some kind of blinders have fallen, probably. I have become a different person, a better and stronger one. Looking back at what I was doing before the hostilities, I understand that it was driven by some stereotypes, demands of the society, not by what I had wanted.

Tell us please how the war affected your everyday life.

It was ‘fun’. ‘Fun’ in a sense that I packed some swimsuits, but not many things. I packed only one autumn jacket only because I needed it to put something in the cat’s basket. We left with one suitcase for the three of us. The first flat we rented was terrible... When I saw it, the thought was: ‘would I live like this for the rest of my life?’

Do you feel safe now?

Yes, probably, I do.

What helps you feel safe?

Having my close ones around. I have been very lucky that almost all my close ones have moved together with me. Only my husband’s mother stays there. We often talk with her, but she is determined: she does not want to move. This is her choice. Here in Brovary, I feel safe, but no one has stopped changes to happen. I understand that at any moment, something could change, and once again, I will pack things, my cat, and start anew.

What do you dream about?

Now I primarily dream about the end of the war

I want everybody to be alive and healthy. I have had such weird dreams recently. Some people want a Mercedes car, a mink coat, while I want peace. Those slogans from childhood wishing ‘peace for the entire world’, which seemed weird, now are the most important and necessary thing for me.

What is happiness for you?

For me, happiness is when my family is with me, when they are alive and healthy, and, probably, self-actualisation.

What has become the greatest value for you over the last years?

Understanding of what I want to have in my life. If not for the war, I would not have realised it. I no longer value material things, but appreciate my time more, value my close ones. I’ve realised that my main capital is an intellectual one as everything else could be taken away.

Given that you know now about the changes that happened in your life during the war, what would you have done differently if you could have returned to 2014?

Everyone says that they would have sold their flats. I probably would have also tried, but at least I would have taken my books and valuable photos. I miss them terribly.

What did you learn while overcoming all those difficulties you told us about?

That everything will pass; this shall pass too.