“For me, the war means...”

This is quite a complicated question for me. Guess this is a really disturbing phase of my life that has divided it into before and after.

When did the war in Donbass begin for you?

A milestone event for me was 26 May 2014, if I remember correctly. After the presidential elections, on the next day, I went out and saw some warplanes flying. Back then, people had no idea what was happening and got really scared. I remember that day.

I recall, we had the elections on 25 May, and the results were announced on 26 May, and on the same day we first heard the sounds of planes. Before that day, things had never seemed so serious, rather like some kind of nonsense. We thought, people simply wanted to be heard, that’s all. It was only after that moment that we started thinking about how serious things might actually turn out.

Did you happen to see military actions with your own eyes?

I did not see any active hostilities. Naturally, we heard their sounds. Our balcony was hit by fragments of the shell that destroyed the building across the street. We saw what happened to that building. In our window, there was a round hole made by the shrapnel. That was frightful enough.

There was another time, I was going by a shuttle bus, and there was a shell hit somewhere nearby, so the driver lost control of the bus and crossed into the oncoming lane. He was eventually able to make it, but everyone got really scared.

My dad had to meet me that day. So, I got off at the bus stop and saw that he wasn’t there. After a while, I saw him waving at me from a nearby building and shouting to me to come inside. Well, it turned out, there were shells exploding in several parts of the city on that day.

I didn’t see any active hostilities but I saw people wearing military uniforms. I felt frightened. These events that I have described happened just three days apart.

Once, I came from Kharkiv to my parents’ place in Donetsk. I recall, that was a family evening, we all were sitting at the table.

At some point, shooting started and we went out to the hall. My parents were used to these things and already felt differently about them, while I had been living in Kharkiv for six months by the time and I had started forgetting what this all really felt like. And there it was all over again... I felt the same fear and anxiety again.

What did you talk about with your family and neighbours during active hostilities?

With my close ones, we tried not to talk about it at all. We did our best to avoid this topic, especially me, it was painful for me. I tried not to talk to anyone about it. For example, I was careful not to mention it to anyone in Kharkiv that I came from Donetsk – wherever it was possible, at least at the first contact, and I reluctantly told people about these things afterwards. Guess that was a defence response.

What do you remember the most from the experience you went through during the war?

As I remember, I was walking with my friends in Donetsk, in March 2014. There were people standing near the office of the Regional State Administration. I remember wondering why they were standing there and why they were holding not our flags. We were on our way to the Art Museum, and it is located near the Regional State Administration. We went into the museum and noticed that the staff were alarmed, they literally followed us everywhere. They wanted us to leave as soon as possible to close the museum and get away from that place. This was a weird feeling.

What was your most important event in this war?

I don’t know, it’s hard to say, there were a lot of these events.

We tend to erase unpleasant events from our memory. What event from the beginning of the armed conflict in Donbass would you like to forget about (or cannot forget)?

I feel really bad for the city, I still can’t get over the fact that this city is no longer ours. Everything there has become alien. I come there and see less and less of the city I knew back in my day.

I understand this is no longer my city, it has been plundered. There are new cafes in place of our old cafes, there are new monuments in place of old ones, there are these billboards with weird slogans. I find it hard to see all this.

I can’t forget and can’t wrap my head around these changes. Naturally, every city changes with time. If you come to Kyiv in a 10 years’ time, it’s going to be a different Kyiv, but these are a completely different kind of changes.

Have you moved because of the war?

I had already applied to go to the university in Kharkiv for my 5th year at the time, so I had had these thoughts for a long time that it would be nice to take up my MA course in another city, and it all did happen to coincide. In terms of my studies, I didn’t have any problems, but I did face some other challenges: I had to find a place to live and move there.

So, there was this difficulty that I experienced when I came to Kharkiv to apply. I had to go back. I went there on a train, and on my way back I found out they had cancelled that train, and at 10 pm they told me there was no train going in that direction. We were told, ‘You can travel there the way you want, it’s your problem’. Of course, they paid back our money for the tickets, and I had to take a bus. I travelled home by several relay buses through Mariupol.

As for my relocation, I was really lucky. I found a flat to rent quickly and happened to find a good flat mate. Plus, I already had some people I knew here, they moved with me to Kharkiv. I got socialized quickly.

Do you plan to come back home when the war is over?

Probably not. I can come and help somehow, but I can’t return, not any more.

What changes has the war brought into your life?

I moved to another city willy-nilly. I can’t see my parents every day. We always keep in touch on the phone, but I don’t see them as much as I would like to. I mean, these are the major changes.

Do you feel safe now?

Yes, I feel comfortable, I may even forget about some things. In Kharkiv, basically, I do feel comfortable.

What do you dream of?

Dreams are mostly about my professional path. For example, I dream to work for an international organisation. I wish my sociological knowledge could be of use there. I also dream that my parents could be beside me, that they could move somewhere closer.

What is your idea of happiness?

Happiness is when my family and friends are all alive and well, they feel safe and live in peace. In fact, myself, I feel quite happy now, except this situation with my parents. It keeps me from feeling truly happy.

Have you changed your attitude to life because of the war?

I have changed my attitude to home. I used to believe I was a home girl as I always lived at home. For me, home was rather a static concept, and now it has turned to be a relative one, because I can go somewhere and feel at home at another place where I am expected, where I feel comfortable, where my family and friends are.

Today, I have two homes: my first home where my parents live, and my second home where I live in Kharkiv.

What did you learn while overcoming all those difficulties you told us about?

I learned to adapt to new conditions, new environment, I became more independent and now I feel different about some things, more ascetic, I’d say. I don’t care now, for example, what house or flat I’m living in, it’s important that I have a place to live.