"Every day is a risk"

Here is my son's jacket, he liked to wear it, it is for work. He worked in it all the time. His shoulders are broad. I put this jacket nearby, and then I see him in my dream. Otherwise he does not come. I want to see him, I want to see him as he was alive. Alive, that's all.

He was mowing hay. He came hone, the transport broke down. At night  he repaired it, left. Then he arrived in the morning. I was in such a hurry: "Mom, it will be enough for two years, I'll mow it." I went to do milking at 12 o'clock in the afternoon, and I heard an explosion. I thought they were probably shooting. I couldn't think that this had happened to him, that he was blown up. And then they reported that he was blown up. But he was still alive. He was still alive.

He had four operations between twelve and seven-thirty. But the condition  was incompatible with life, as they said. He's got some kind of heart clot coming off. I can't believe he's gone, I can't. I'm always waiting for him. All the time I hope. I look everywhere -  he was here. I see him everywhere. I see him everywhere and I wait for him. I can't agree with the fact, that he's gone. It is very hard.

It was like he felt it before he died. He said: "You will see me in a coffin and a blown up tractor." I said, " Son, don't go. Please don't go." But he had such a ... such a character. No sooner said than done. This is his character. I couldn't stop him.

I blame myself. Why didn't I go there? I would have crawled all over that field on my knees, but I would find   those mines. Before we went there, we went to the authorities and asked if the field was mined. We knew that the landing was mined only at the beginning, and the field itself was not mined. When he mowed it down, he came and said: "Mom, that's it. I got to where people mow down." He never came back. They probably didn't know it themselves. They didn't give permission at first, and then, after a while, they said: "Wait half an hour." We waited. They said to go. So we mowed it down.

My husband couldn't stand it. Six months later, the husband died, immediately after the son. He kept talking: "If only I could fall asleep like this and not wake up." It happened almost like that. He fell asleep and didn't wake up. It's hard without them.

It's dangerous here. The fires were very large this year, 2017. Several houses were burned down in our village. In Cherenky the houses were also burned. Just on Tuesday, there was an attack from "Grads".  I was just watering the calves. I fell and I was laying there, unable to get up out of fear. And everything seems to be kind of flying at my house. I thought: "My God, my elder son is there, and my daughter-in-law is there. Did they hide or didn't they hide?» It was fearfully. Every day is a risk. We live and do not know what will happen to us tomorrow. Every day we risk.